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Jacob’s Ladder

February 12, 2010

I tackle Jacob’s Ladder.

242 steps seem a little daunting when the other end of the staircase seems so far away.

But I am determined to get fit. Badger has just embarked on a health kick and there is no way I’m letting him outsmug me!

I start off slowly. No point in sprinting now, then getting stuck halfway through because I’m too puffed to take another step. This is all about strategy, folks.

Surprisingly, it turns out to be easier than I expected. I had been intimidated by complaints from friends who had trouble getting out of bed for days after doing the Ladder. But I gallop past ripped blokes in tiny shorts and sleek women in matching lycra. They are all pouring with sweat and wheezing their lungs out. I’m not even breathing hard. I must be fitter than I thought!

As I run, I suddenly catch sight of a woman crumpling to her feet. Luckily, her partner is there to support her. Even more luckily, I happen to be trained in CPR.

I sprint to her. She is pale with exhaustion and can’t seem to get up. Clearly in need of medical help. I offer CPR but to my surprise, she declines. She is just worn out, she says.

I find this very confusing. Why would anyone decline CPR from me? The instructor had said that he had never seen such first-class chest compressions and assisted breaths! Does my breath smell? Do our outfits clash? Maybe she doesn’t like me because I’m finding the Ladder so much easier than her?

Feeling rebuffed and a little indignant, I leave the woman to her gasping and continue with my workout. It’s a pity that I do not have much more to go or I would show her how real athletes do it.

I blaze though the last flight of steps and reach the end with a bounce, earning dirty looks from a couple of guys who are clearly struggling. But attracting jealousy is to be expected at my level of fitness. 242 steps and I’m barely breaking a sweat! Who needs endorphins when smugness produces a high that’s so much more satisfying!

If only I didn’t have to turn around and go back up.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. February 14, 2010 4:40 pm

    AHAHAHAHAH

    Oh that was hilarious. I *actually* laughed out loud. I feel your pain! Jacob’s Ladder sucks – I refuse to do it now. There are a million more enjoyable ways to exercise in this world.

  2. February 14, 2010 9:27 pm

    I agree! Like exercising my jaw muscles on a steak sandwich!

    I reckon Jacob’s Ladder would be a lot more attractive if I got to the top and found a giant slide that I could swoosh my way down again.

    • February 14, 2010 10:32 pm

      Yes! I agree! A slide would make it infinitely more awesome… but then there would probably be children to deal with, too 😦

  3. February 16, 2010 8:32 am

    If kids can get to the top of that bloody staircase, they’re welcome to slide down again, lol!

    • February 16, 2010 9:15 am

      Yeh, see, you say that now… but have you ever been to Adventure World, or the waterslides at Hillary’s Boat Harbour?

      Children have ENDLESS energy when there’s the promise of a slide involved, be it water or dry. They would be RUNNING up Jacob’s Ladder and blocking the way for us more fitness challenged folk. And children scream and laugh and make noise, and when I’m sweating bullets and cursing the inventor of staircases, the last thing I want to hear is people having FUN 😛

  4. February 17, 2010 9:30 pm

    Why exactly are you running away from fit blokes in tiny shorts?

  5. vimalan permalink
    February 22, 2010 10:05 pm

    try not too fall down

  6. nutang permalink
    October 19, 2010 7:53 pm

    we miss you.

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