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Sucks To Be Her

March 31, 2009

I have always been a little self-conscious.

I hate walking long distances (anything farther than a street away) because I imagine people driving past and saying “Sucks to be her!” In the same vein, I am mortified whenever I trip over my own feet. I try to disguise it by turning it into a jog but I’m not quite convinced that I pull it off successfully. I don’t know which is worse – “Ha ha, she nearly fell on her face” or “That girl has a funny run”. When forced to double back, I cannot simply walk back down the street. No, I have to elaborately pat my pockets down, tap my temple as I wonder where my ‘missing keys’ are, and suddenly realise that they’re probably at home (think light bulb). Only then, with finger raised in an “Aha!” gesture, can I turn back.

This self-consciousness is valid. I know for a fact that people do mock others in the above situations. I know this because I am one of those people. As I drive past pedestrians and cyclists on rainy days, I laugh at each sodden individual, “Sucks to be you, you, you…and yes, you too!” Wallowing in schadenfreude like a mutt in mud, I take quiet amusement in other people stubbing their toes, being stuck in traffic, and eating too much wasabi.

So it’s no wonder that I hate running for buses or trains. What if, horror of horrors, I don’t get there in time? As I’m doubled over panting my lungs out and watching the bus/train leave without me, the world will stop and laugh their lungs out. “Ha ha!” everyone will laugh. “Look at that loser! Bet you wish you didn’t eat that last slice of pizza, eh Chubbachubbs!” And I’ll have to stay there, stewing in my humiliation, until the next bus/train comes to rescue me.

Approaching a bus stop yesterday, I had to weigh all that against the agony of waiting half an hour for the next bus. “F___ it,” I said to myself. “F___ it. If I start running now, I’ll definitely get to the bus in time to at least pound on the doors.” So I swallowed my pride and uncertainty, and I ran. Oh, how I ran. Ignoring the smirks of the other commuters, heedless of the frail old lady I shoved out of the way, I flew for the waiting bus.  I got to it just as the doors were about to close. Basking in triumph, I leapt into the bus.

And promptly caught my foot on the step.

Like a horrific car crash, my tumble seemed to happen in slow motion. I squealed like a stuck pig and windmilled my arms to no avail. For a moment, I managed to catch myself with the other foot, but that too betrayed me. Inevitably, I crashed and slid across the floor until I was arrested by the embrace of someone’s ankle.

Crowded as it was, the bus was shocked silent. But then, as the owner of the ankle imprinted on my forehead helped me up, I heard a few strangled snorts start and die abruptly. As if mouths had been clapped shut to contain braying laughter. Even my rescuer looked to be putting so much effort into controlling himself that a few of his ribs must have slipped their moorings.

Karma is a bitch.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. March 31, 2009 2:57 pm

    Wait a minute, I don’t get it. What’s wrong with walking for long distance? I didn’t encounter anyone who disrespect people walking.

    • March 31, 2009 9:10 pm

      Because I look pretty miserable when I’m forced to walk long distances. And typically, it’s very easy to laugh at the misery of others. Oh, no one’s actually shouted “Sucks to be you!” out their car window at me. But I’m sure they think it!!

  2. Vimalan permalink
    April 1, 2009 3:14 am

    very very good good ha ha ha ha finally we bus-users have our revenge MUA HA HA HA

    • April 2, 2009 9:56 am

      Eh! I take the bus too! I only get to mock other people on the few occasions that Badger is on taxi driver duty.

  3. Liz permalink
    April 1, 2009 9:01 am

    Haha… Wish i was there to capture one of your more dramatic moments hunnybun.

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