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Pain in the Bum

January 8, 2009

There is a tiny bump on my bum.

It has been there for two days and shows no signs of disappearing. I am concerned. Perhaps it’s not a bump, but a lump? Meaning it could be…

Bum cancer.

I should get my mum to look at it. Or take a picture and send it to Badger for his opinion. But that would just make them worry along with me. I couldn’t do that to them. I’ll only tell them when I know for sure. I’ll gather everyone together (Badger via videoconference), and break the news to them gently. Then I’ll bravely battle the uncertainty of each day, yet savouring the gift of having another day to live. Maybe I should write a book about it as well. Which will be followed by a movie adaptation, with Scarlett Johansson playing me.

As inspiring as my story will be for everybody, I can’t help but dread the thought of bum cancer. My head is filled with what-ifs. What if the doctors decide to remove my bum cheek(s) – a bumstectomy? What if people laugh at my lopsided bum? What if I can’t get a bum prosthesis? What if Badger stops loving me because I’m less of a woman with half a bum?

This must be from that beach trip when I forgot to bring sunblock lotion. Why oh why didn’t I just stop somewhere and buy another bottle? If only I had spent that extra $10, I would have been protected with UV rays bouncing harmlessly off my bum. Doomed by my cheapness!

But it’s no use crying over spilt milk. I should go to the doctor and get my diagnosis confirmed. After all, it’s better when you deal with these things early.

I steel myself and head to the nearest clinic.

There, I lie back in a very undignified position while the doctor pokes at my bum lump. She hmms a bit, then straightens up.

She looks at me. It is not a reassuring look.

“My dear,” she begins.

I am terrified. I hope that I do not accidentally wee on the examination bed.

“It’s a pimple.”


My relief is short-lived. Who the hell gets bum pimples anyway?

My bum is defective. Boo!

10 Comments leave one →
  1. Vimalan permalink
    January 8, 2009 2:37 pm

    HA HA HA. Well you can still make a movie out of it, but with a happy ending. The entire movie would have a gloomy feel to it, until the very end, … ‘its a pimple…’ and end with a surprise look on your face. ha ha ha

  2. Chubby Zebra permalink
    January 8, 2009 4:03 pm

    🙂 Who do you think should direct it?

  3. January 10, 2009 1:00 pm

    Eeeyerrr…never wash your ass properly……..eeeeyerrrrrrr


  4. Raihana permalink
    January 10, 2009 3:29 pm

    You’re going to laugh at this.

    I first found out that one can get pimples on the bum from a Moffatts fan site (this was way back in high school, ok, shaddap). Because someone on said site claimed that Scott Moffatt had pimples on his bum.

    Don’t ask me how this person knew about Scott Moffatt’s bum pimples; never thought to ask that question because I spent the rest of the time pondering the fact that one can actually get pimples on one’s bum (!!).

  5. Chubby Zebra permalink
    January 10, 2009 11:31 pm

    Vincent: Take that back!!! I don’t have a dirty bum!!! 😦

    Rae: Hahaha, I still remember when you and Yi Hoy had the most massive crushes ever on the Moffatts! Of course, I’m hardly one to talk. I was pretty obsessive over the Foos, and some others we won’t mention too.
    But yes, bum pimples! WTF!! This is my first, and hopefully last!! Lucky it doesn’t stop me from sitting down. :p

  6. January 14, 2009 12:19 am

    maybe your underwear is unclean 😦

  7. Chubby Zebra permalink
    January 14, 2009 2:56 pm

    Sob sob sob! Stop saying that. I don’t have a dirty bum OR dirty underwear!!! T-T

  8. January 30, 2009 11:46 am

    You SHOULD write a book about it. Add elements of:

    #1) not sitting down the same way again
    #2) showing various people your bum
    #3) changing your outlook on life, realizing you might have limited time to live

    Well, I just need #2 and Scarlett Johansson to play it. Though, if you really had bum cancer you might not expose it to the sun, which would be a bummer to the development of cinematographic experience. Though, it could start with you sunbathing in a G-string with your (I mean, Scarlett’s) bum sunny side up. That scene should be languorous.

    Though, I’m not sure if Scarlett is one I’d associate with a bum movie. Yeah she’s hot and all but I don’t remember her for her bum.

  9. Chubby Zebra permalink*
    January 30, 2009 11:47 pm

    Sorry Albert, I should’ve called in a bum expert like you for casting advice. So who would you recommend then?

    Of course, if I did play myself in the film, I’d get lots and lots of second opinions. And the doctors providing those second opinions would be played by the likes of Daniel Craig and Clive Owen.

    Whee!! *Lost in doctor/patient fantasies*

  10. January 30, 2009 11:59 pm

    Hmmm, any hot actress would do. But I just don’t think of Scarlett by her bum.

    Perhaps it could also be written then that your boyfriend discovered the suspected tumor, in, obviously, a hot scene. And he’d dump you and you’d go on a polygamous romp. Kinda gratituous like Good Luck Chuck but with gender roles reversed.

    Heck, the pimple could be erogenous! So the first doctor who examines it might lead to something else.

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