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Sex Therapy

August 28, 2008

“Cock!”

The lecturer smiles. “Great start,” she says encouragingly. “Can anyone else add more?”

“Boobies!”

It’s a sex therapy lecture. Compared to previous lectures where people were bursting at the seams to contribute their opinions, it’s deathly quiet today. Everyone is determinedly avoiding eye contact and some are already blushing furiously. Another student hides her face behind her hands, the tips of her ears glowing a visibly embarrassed red. It is so uncomfortable that it feels like the air in the room has solidifed into sweat-flavoured jelly of awkwardness. In an attempt to break the ice and get quality any discussion going, the lecturer has suggested that we call out words or phrases related to sex, however vulgar they might be.

“Glory hole!” volunteers a sweet-faced student next to me.

“G-l-o-r-y-h-o-l-e,” the lecturer spells it out on the whiteboard. There is no escape.

A few people look stumped. Someone bravely offers an explanation and already red faces burn even redder.

We are starting to get into it though. In between bursts of giggles, a few sexual positions are called out. ‘Bumping uglies’ and ‘hot meat injection’ get good laughs. The lecturer needs help with ‘bukkake’ and being the only Asian in the room, I feel obliged to spell it out for her. It’s like being in a roomful of Tourette patients. We gleefully call out words that in most situations would result in a sudden hush later broken by a child bursting into tears.

We grow more creative. Most of the suggestions need to be accompanied by explanations and hand gestures now. There are descriptions of things I would never have imagined. The visual images that follow are seared into my mind.

This might come in handy later. Better to be introduced to strange fetishes now than to be totally lost when one drops into your lap during actual therapy.

“I’m sorry, can you take me through that again? You want to wear a Carebear costume and do what to your wife?”

We leave the result of the exercise on the board for the next class to enjoy.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. vimalan permalink
    August 28, 2008 8:53 pm

    Sign me up for sex therapy lectures.

  2. Mathew permalink
    August 29, 2008 1:36 am

    Now now Jamie, don’t get any bright ideas with that carebear suit, exfoliating your bum on his face is bad enough =p

  3. August 29, 2008 10:05 am

    Seriously funny.

  4. August 29, 2008 4:03 pm

    Have you heard of things like “angry dragon” and doing “a spiderman”??

  5. Chubby Zebra permalink
    August 29, 2008 6:20 pm

    vimalan: Haha, should’ve done psychology! At some point in the future, I might even return to uni to do a masters in sex therapy I think. It’s definitely interesting stuff!

    Mathew: Lol! Badger’s getting plenty nervous, he just realised that I have quite a few stuffed animals in my room! Anyway, if he shaved more often, I wouldn’t have to stick my bum on his face. Ho ho ho!

    Terry: No chance of falling asleep in that lecture!

    vincent: You have to explain those! Better yet, draw a diagram! I’m gonna hunt you down if you leave me hanging now! 😀

  6. August 30, 2008 5:56 pm

    You should hunt me down, because it is really lewd, hardly suitable for a family oriented blog. Har-har.

  7. Chubby Zebra permalink
    August 31, 2008 2:13 pm

    Lol, I checked out the Urban Dictionary instead. “Plah – Spiderman!!” Hahaha! Yes, maybe diagrams wasn’t such a good idea after all. Hmm, where did YOU learn about those terms? 😉

  8. September 1, 2008 12:03 pm

    I have sick friends. Ha-ha.

    …which is probably the same answer you are going to give people when they ask YOU where you found out these stuff from.

  9. vimalan permalink
    September 1, 2008 10:25 pm

    im suddenly very curious about this ‘angry dragon’ doin a ‘spiderman’ thing.

  10. September 13, 2008 2:10 pm

    You know what. I need to join that class. Can you slip me in?

  11. Carrot permalink
    December 30, 2008 9:52 pm

    ZEBRA!! At last! I have finally found your blog! Took me almost a year! Miss ya!

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