Nuts!

I crack open a pistachio.

Mmm, a salty-sweet explosion on my tongue. Crunch, crunch, crunch. I love pistachios. Especially stolen ones from Badger’s stash.

He thought that he could hide them from me by storing them on a high shelf. But he forgot that chairs were invented for that very reason.

Badger does not usually hide things away from my sticky fingers but he got annoyed after I polished off his pistachios one too many times. It is not my fault. I am addicted to the little green suckers. My addiction is an illness, for which I cannot be blamed. I saw it on South Park so it must be true.

I gorge on my loot. I get to the end and am left with four stubborn pistachios. They refuse to yield their treasure, resisting my every attempt to pry them out. Do they not realise that they are denying the very reason for their existence? For what use is a pistachio, if not to be consumed?

I will not be beaten by these pistachios. There will be an almighty row when Badger gets home, so I am determined to wring every last drop of satisfaction from my act of thievery. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken quite so many…I wonder if he counts them.

I renew my attack. Fingernails, teeth and knife are all used but to no avail. The only results I have to show for my efforts are a gashed thumb and very sore fingers. I swallow my pride and ask for help.

I google How to open a stubborn pistachio?

And in 0.34 seconds, I have my answer. I demolish the now-defenceless nuts with ease.

Ah Google, you’ve done it again.